Game of Thrones Season 7, Episode 5 Recap: Getting Hammered

Previously on GoT: Cersei Lannister screwed over Daenerys Targaryen by taking down her dragonless allies – Yara Greyjoy, Ellaria Sand, and Olenna Tyrell. Jon Snow took Daenerys into a cave and showed her some things. And then Dany torched a decent chunk of the Lannister army with her dragon and almost killed Jaime.

That’s right! Jaime Lannister is alive! And so is Bronn! And they got away and are totally fine and not even injured!

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Well that’s outrageously convenient. But okay. Sure.

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Game of Thrones Season 7, Episode 4 Recap: Well-Done, Please

Previously on GoT: Daenerys Targaryen decided to allow Jon Snow to mine the dragonglass on Dragonstone. Cersei Lannister promised all of the monies to Tycho NestorisGrey Worm and the Unsullied thought they’d take down most of the Lannisters at Casterly Rock, but the lion’s share of them (get it?) was at Highgarden to eliminate Olenna Tyrell instead.

Jaime Lannister is monitoring the numerous convoys of gold and valuables (and Loras Tyrell‘s old gay porn mags) that the Lannister army is escorting back up to King’s Landing. He hands Bronn a huge sack of money, but Bronn wants the castle and the lands and the rich wife with the bangin’ titties he was promised like four seasons ago.

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“Maybe not in those words, but you promised, man!”

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Game of Thrones Season 7, Episode 3 Recap: Poison-Palooza

Previously on GoT: Samwell Tarly played “let’s flay the Northerner” with Jorah Mormont. Jon Snow decided to RSVP to Tyrion Lannister‘s invite and go to Dragonstone. Bran Stark found out about everything that has ever happened, and yes, that includes the last time you had sex in a public bathroom, you nasty ho. And Euron Greyjoy‘s Iron Fleet wrecked Yara Greyjoy‘s nicer, sexier Iron Fleet like a child gleefully crushing his little sister’s lesbian sand castles.

We open on Jon Snow and Ser Davos Seaworth arriving at Dragonstone because clearly, Westeros has invented teleportation since season 3.

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Any chance you guys found Gendry out there? No?

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Game of Thrones Season 7, Episode 2 Recap: Foreign Invasion

Previously on GoT: Ed Sheeran joined the military. Arya Stark murdered all the Freys. Samwell Tarly almost threw up, like, twelve times. Cersei Lannister found a potential new ally in Euron Greyjoy. And Daenerys Targaryen crashed Stannis Baratheon‘s old bachelor pad.

It’s a stormy night at Dragonstone, and Varys and Tyrion Lannister tell Daenerys about how she was born on a night like this one. She says she wishes she could remember it, which… why exactly? That’s a little weird, but okay. She’s not super happy about this place, and Tyrion tells her they won’t be here long.

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Yeah, good, let’s not make this Meereen 2.0, please.

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Game of Thrones Season 7, Episode 1 Recap: Mama’s Home

Surprise! After the twists and turns of RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 9, the time has come for us to switch over to an entirely different TV show and do some crazy recapping of a much more serious kind!

Just kidding, I’m never serious about anything in my life.

Last season on Game of Thrones: Cersei Lannister was put into a corner by just about everyone in her life. And nobody puts Cersei in a corner, so, naturally, everybody died horribly. R.I.P. Margaery Tyrell. Jon Snow and Sansa Stark killed off the last of the Boltons and took back Winterfell, where Sansa was promptly shoved into a seat at the end of the council table and never seen again. Samwell Tarly accomplished his lifelong(ish) dream of becoming an apprentice maester at the Citadel in Oldtown. After six long years, Daenerys Targaryen finally left her cozy eastern continent and got on a ship to Westeros along with all her best buds. And Arya Stark was, as per usual, a complete badass as she managed to single-handedly kill off Walder Frey.

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It’s back, bitches!

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RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 9, Episode 14 Recap: And The Winner Is…

Previously on Drag Race: Peppermint, Sasha Velour, Shea Couleé, and Trinity Taylor were all so, so good that Mama Ru decided to bring them all on to the season finale. Charlie Hides, Valentina, and, to a lesser extent, Nina Bo’nina Brown all gave up in their respective lip-sync showdowns, prompting RuPaul and the showrunners to throw a curveball at the competition – and the way the winner is determined.

Are you ready, kittens? It’s time for the grand finale of season 9! We open right off the bat by introducing the season’s contestants.

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Jaymes Mansfield is looking classic and cute in a very Jaymes-like bodacious, old-fashioned look. Her fur shawl doubles as a little wolf puppet. Pretty adorbs.

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RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 9, Episode 13 Recap: Rip Her Wig Off!

Previously on Drag Race: Charlie Hides gave up on life and humiliated herself on national television. Valentina asked to keep it on, please. Nina Bo’nina Brown knew all these bitches were talking shit about her behind her back. Alexis Michelle demanded that you not make it about her body. And our final four queens advanced to the finale!

… Which I thought was this episode. Imagine my cataclysmic disappointment when the episode starts playing and RuPaul goes “we are one week away from the crowning of America’s Next Drag Superstar!”

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“WHAT SHE SAY?!”

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