Game of Thrones Season 7, Episode 7 Recap: Hole In The Wall

Previously on GoT: Arya and Sansa Stark got in an argument that ended with threats of face-stealing. Jon Snow and his fellow stooges traveled north of the Wall to capture a wight and show it to Queen Cersei Lannister. But when Daenerys Targaryen tried to help, one of her dragons got stabbed and turned into a zombie.

Daenerys, Jon, and Tyrion Lannister may have agreed to meet and negotiate a truce, but they’re not taking any chances. Both sides have brought their A-game to this meeting. And by A-game, I mean their full armies.

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“This is all the screen time I’m getting for the rest of the episode. Gotta look cool.”

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Game of Thrones Season 7, Episode 6 Recap: Snow Wight and the Seven Dorks

Previously on GoT: Arya Stark came home and immediately got back to hating on Sansa. Daenerys Targaryen started catching the feelings for her secret nephew, Jon Snow. And Jon and his merry band of socially inept warriors trekked north of the Wall to go catch a wight.

Somewhere in the mountains, the North Crew is doing its thing, just walking through the snow, and Gendry comments on how cold everything is. Tormund Giantsbane has some advice to keep warm: keep walking, fight something, or, ideally, have a good ol’ hookup. Jon Snow comments there aren’t a whole lot of women nearby. Or any.

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“Gotta do what you gotta do. Knowwhatimean?”

I didn’t think Tormund could get any cooler, but he has.

(Get it?)

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Game of Thrones Season 7, Episode 5 Recap: Getting Hammered

Previously on GoT: Cersei Lannister screwed over Daenerys Targaryen by taking down her dragonless allies – Yara Greyjoy, Ellaria Sand, and Olenna Tyrell. Jon Snow took Daenerys into a cave and showed her some things. And then Dany torched a decent chunk of the Lannister army with her dragon and almost killed Jaime.

That’s right! Jaime Lannister is alive! And so is Bronn! And they got away and are totally fine and not even injured!

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Well that’s outrageously convenient. But okay. Sure.

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Game of Thrones Season 7, Episode 4 Recap: Well-Done, Please

Previously on GoT: Daenerys Targaryen decided to allow Jon Snow to mine the dragonglass on Dragonstone. Cersei Lannister promised all of the monies to Tycho NestorisGrey Worm and the Unsullied thought they’d take down most of the Lannisters at Casterly Rock, but the lion’s share of them (get it?) was at Highgarden to eliminate Olenna Tyrell instead.

Jaime Lannister is monitoring the numerous convoys of gold and valuables (and Loras Tyrell‘s old gay porn mags) that the Lannister army is escorting back up to King’s Landing. He hands Bronn a huge sack of money, but Bronn wants the castle and the lands and the rich wife with the bangin’ titties he was promised like four seasons ago.

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“Maybe not in those words, but you promised, man!”

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Game of Thrones Season 7, Episode 3 Recap: Poison-Palooza

Previously on GoT: Samwell Tarly played “let’s flay the Northerner” with Jorah Mormont. Jon Snow decided to RSVP to Tyrion Lannister‘s invite and go to Dragonstone. Bran Stark found out about everything that has ever happened, and yes, that includes the last time you had sex in a public bathroom, you nasty ho. And Euron Greyjoy‘s Iron Fleet wrecked Yara Greyjoy‘s nicer, sexier Iron Fleet like a child gleefully crushing his little sister’s lesbian sand castles.

We open on Jon Snow and Ser Davos Seaworth arriving at Dragonstone because clearly, Westeros has invented teleportation since season 3.

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Any chance you guys found Gendry out there? No?

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Game of Thrones Season 7, Episode 2 Recap: Foreign Invasion

Previously on GoT: Ed Sheeran joined the military. Arya Stark murdered all the Freys. Samwell Tarly almost threw up, like, twelve times. Cersei Lannister found a potential new ally in Euron Greyjoy. And Daenerys Targaryen crashed Stannis Baratheon‘s old bachelor pad.

It’s a stormy night at Dragonstone, and Varys and Tyrion Lannister tell Daenerys about how she was born on a night like this one. She says she wishes she could remember it, which… why exactly? That’s a little weird, but okay. She’s not super happy about this place, and Tyrion tells her they won’t be here long.

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Yeah, good, let’s not make this Meereen 2.0, please.

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Game of Thrones Season 7, Episode 1 Recap: Mama’s Home

Surprise! After the twists and turns of RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 9, the time has come for us to switch over to an entirely different TV show and do some crazy recapping of a much more serious kind!

Just kidding, I’m never serious about anything in my life.

Last season on Game of Thrones: Cersei Lannister was put into a corner by just about everyone in her life. And nobody puts Cersei in a corner, so, naturally, everybody died horribly. R.I.P. Margaery Tyrell. Jon Snow and Sansa Stark killed off the last of the Boltons and took back Winterfell, where Sansa was promptly shoved into a seat at the end of the council table and never seen again. Samwell Tarly accomplished his lifelong(ish) dream of becoming an apprentice maester at the Citadel in Oldtown. After six long years, Daenerys Targaryen finally left her cozy eastern continent and got on a ship to Westeros along with all her best buds. And Arya Stark was, as per usual, a complete badass as she managed to single-handedly kill off Walder Frey.

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It’s back, bitches!

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